2010s, Animation, Article, Comedy, Coming Soon, Family, Lists, Romance, True Story

Fall 2017 Movie Preview: Comedy/Family

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This is a hard category because unlike Horror/Thriller where you can be fairly certain that all of the films are meant to be seen by adult eyes and ears, this category blends a bit of both worlds. We can have a family friendly animated film right next to a raunchy comedy. For that reason, I am going to include the MPAA rating after the synopsis. It should be fairly obvious which is which, but I didn’t want to waste time making two posts when these go together nicely.

September

Home Again – 9/8

Recently separated from her husband (Michael Sheen), Alice (Reese Witherspoon) decides to start over by moving back to her hometown of Los Angeles with her two young daughters. During a night out on her 40th birthday, Alice meets three aspiring filmmakers who happen to be in need of a place to live. Alice agrees to let the guys stay in her guest house temporarily, but the arrangement ends up unfolding in unexpected ways. Alice’s unlikely new family and new romance comes to a crashing halt when her ex-husband shows up, suitcase in hand. – PG-13

I’m not much of a romantic comedy fan, but this looks pretty good. I could see it being a fun date night or enjoyable flick for a group of ladies to watch. The guys all competing for her attention will make for some funny situations, but I predict that Michael Sheen as her ex-husband will be the best. Do you think she’ll get back together with her husband, or embrace the single life?

Lego: Ninjago – 9/22

The battle for Ninjago City calls to action young Master Builder Lloyd, along with his friends, who are all secret ninja warriors. Led by Master Wu, as wise-cracking as he is wise, they must defeat evil warlord Garmadon, The Worst Guy Ever, who also happens to be Lloyd’s dad. Pitting mech against mech and father against son, the epic showdown will test this fierce but undisciplined team of modern-day ninjas who must learn to check their egos and pull together to unleash their inner power of Spinjitzu. – PG

The folks behind the Lego Movie and the Lego Batman movie are hilarious. Here they have once again collected an extremely talented cast (Dave Franco, Justin Theroux, Jackie Chan, Olivia Munn, etc.), although most of them are less well known than in the previous films. I don’t think this one will fare quite as well since Ninjago is not as well known or loved as Batman and that might hurt it. But it should be funny and enjoyable for the family.

October

My Little Pony – 10/6

A dark force threatens Ponyville, and the Mane 6 embark on an unforgettable journey beyond Equestria where they meet new friends and exciting challenges on a quest to use the magic of friendship to save their home.

I have a 12 year-old little girl. I will likely be front and center for this movie. I have to admit, while I’m not quite a bronie (look it up if you don’t know what that is), I do appreciate the humor and message of the show. Friendship is indeed magic. All of the glitter and sparkles of the Trolls movie with a heartwarming message at its core.

Goodbye Christopher Robin – 10/13

Goodbye Christoper Robin gives a rare glimpse into the relationship between beloved children’s author A. A. Milne (Domhnall Gleeson) and his son Christopher Robin (Will Tilston), whose toys inspired the magical world of Winnie the Pooh. Along with his mother Daphne (Margot Robbie), and his nanny Olive (Kelly Macdonald), Christopher Robin and his family are swept up in the international success of the books; the enchanting tales bringing hope and comfort to England after the First World War. But with the eyes of the world on Christopher Robin, what will the cost be to the family? – PG

This one will be a nice film to take the kids to. It sounds delightful as a true story and kind of reminds me of Saving Mr. Banks. I think Domhnall Gleason is a fantastic actor. His work in Ex Machina was inspired. Plus I get to hear Kelly MacDonald’s beautiful Scottish accent as the nanny.

Killing Gunther – 10/20

A group of eccentric assassins are fed up with Gunther, the world’s greatest hitman, and decide to kill him, but their plan turns into a series of bungled encounters as Gunther seems to always be one step ahead. – R

Do yourself a favor and watch the trailer for this! I had not even heard of it. It feels like it has a Taika Waititi vibe, but that could just be the mock-umentary style. It reminds me of What we Do in the Shadows with the dark humor and shaky cam style. I hope that is a good sign. I know next to nothing about Taran Killiam beside the fact that he’s on Saturday Night Live and he’s married to Colbie Smoulders.  Most Saturday Night Live movies are awful, but they tend to take a skit and blow it up into a movie, this looks like a different concept and Schwarzenegger as the greatest hitman Gunther seems inspired. I guess all we can do is wait to see how it is.

November

Wonder – 11/17

Based on the New York Times bestseller, WONDER tells the incredibly inspiring and heartwarming story of August (Augie) Pullman, a boy with facial deformities who enters fifth grade, attending a mainstream elementary school for the first time. – PG

Steven Chbosky is one of my favorite writers. I hope this is a good adaptation. The trailer looks inspiring. This kind of film is so nice to see and I hope it gets good reviews and people go to see it. We all know how cruel kids can be, but will they use their ability to look beyond the physical to connect with this amazing young man. He’s being played by Jacob Tremblay (Room) and I can barely recognize him.

Coco – 11/22

Despite his family’s baffling generations-old ban on music, Miguel (voice of newcomer Anthony Gonzalez) dreams of becoming an accomplished musician like his idol, Ernesto de la Cruz (voice of Benjamin Bratt). Desperate to prove his talent, Miguel finds himself in the stunning and colorful Land of the Dead following a mysterious chain of events. Along the way, he meets charming trickster Hector (voice of Gael García Bernal), and together, they set off on an extraordinary journey to unlock the real story behind Miguel’s family history. – PG

I’m excited that Pixar is jumping into a film like this that feels much more provincial than their most culturally specific film to date, Brave. I hope it pays off for them and that people come out in droves to see this. It reminds me a little bit of Book of Life and Kubo and the Two Strings. It should be a great film for the whole family.

December

Disaster Artist – 12/1

A behind the scenes look at the making of the best bad movie of all time. Based on the book of the same title by Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell. Starring James Franco as Tommy Wiseau who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in 2003’s The Room.

I’m a big nerd about film making as well as movies in general. If you’ve never seen the trainwreck that is Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, do yourself a favor and watch it… for science. It is awful! How it could have possibly been made is beyond me. Why didn’t someone tell this man that he had no business making a movie? There has to be a story here, and there is. This won’t be for everyone and many will hate it because by the trailers it seems like James Franco’s Wiseau is spot on.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle – 12/20

Four teenagers discover an old video game console and are literally drawn into the game’s jungle setting becoming the adult avatars they choose. – PG-13

For a remake / re-imagining it looks like they are doing things right. I loved the gender and role reversals we got in the trailer. it looks like it is going to be funny. I still don’t think that we need a new Jumanji, but if we’re going to get one, Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack, Black, and Karen Gillan should be able to provide an awesome one.

Downsizing – 12/22

When scientists discover how to shrink humans to five inches tall as a solution to over-population, Paul (Matt Damon) and his wife Audrey (Kristen Wiig) decide to abandon their stressed lives in order to get small and move to a new downsized community — a choice that triggers life-changing adventures. – R

From the director that brought us Sideways, About Schmidt, and Election (Alexander Payne) comes another dramady starring Matt Damon. We don’t know a ton about the plot, but it sounds like it involves some sci-fi element and probably relates to social commentary about feeling small in this great big world. I personally am excited. What do you think?

Others to Watch:

A Bad Mom’s Christmas coming on November 3rd. The three moms from the original struggle to cope when their respective mothers visit for the holidays.

Daddy’s Home 2 coming on November 10th. Brad and Dusty must deal with their intrusive fathers during the holidays. The first one was over the top, but funny. This one looks like it could be hilarious with John Lithgow joining the cast as Will Ferrell’s dad and Mel Gibson showing up for the holidays as Mark Whalberg’s father.

Ferdinand coming on December 15th. Animated and based on the classic children’s book by Munro Leaf. After Ferdinand, a bull with a big heart, is mistaken for a dangerous beast, he is captured and torn from his home. Determined to return to his family, he rallies a misfit team on the ultimate adventure.

Pitch Perfect 3 coming on December 22nd. Following their win at the world championship, the now separated Bellas reunite for one last singing competition at an overseas USO tour, but face a group who uses both instruments and voices. Clearly, this is a bold faced attempt at an Oscar from Anna Kendrick… not. I love her as an actress, but this is one franchise I never got into. Acapella music is cool and everything, I think I even downloaded Cups, but it’s just not my cup of tea.

So which of these light-hearted films are you looking most forward to? Please leave me a comment in the section below or on social media! If you want to read the rest of my Fall preview, you can find the other sections here: Action/Adventure, Horror/Thriller, Drama Sept-Oct, and Drama Nov-Dec.

2010s, Article, Coming Soon, Horror, Lists, Supernatural, Thriller

Fall 2017 Movie Preview: Horror/Thriller

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You’ve most likely already seen the decorations, costumes and candy littering the shelves of stores. While we are still weeks away from October, much less the end of October, Halloween is already right in our faces. Why? Because the overhead for these items is low and the profit margins are high. Not to mention that consumers buy it up by the truck load. The opportunity to pretend to be a celebrity, superhero, or ghoul is just too good to pass up and the lure of free candy keeps kids of all ages excited about the holiday.

In the same way, Horror films are usually pretty inexpensive and quick to make and there is always a desire for them. Whether you are an adrenaline junkie out with your friends to see who flinches last at all of the jump scares and blood-curdling screams or if you are a teenager looking for a dark room and a place to sneak your arm around that special someone as they hide themselves from the perceived danger.

I’m not a huge Horror fan, but I do appreciate the art of a good scare and the psychology that goes into it. When we find those films that defy the traditional plot devices and tropes to keep the audience riveted then I am fully on board. So what delicious horrors are in store in our coming attractions? We actually have a Friday the 13th during October this year so expect that to be the epicenter for horror flicks this fall.

September

IT – 9/8

When young children in the little town Derry of Maine starts to begin to be found dead a group of seven kids find out that the killer is not a man. The killer is the evil clown Pennywise who is actually a creature that can shapeshift into the thing you are most afraid of. The kids also known as the Losers Club decide to fight and kill It. But how can you fight something who knows all your biggest fears?

I hear that it is good to face your fears head on. That’s great. I have been stuck with this irrational fear of clowns ever since I read Stephen King’s IT back when I was 10-11 years old. At some point, I dug up a copy of the 1990 TV miniseries and I’ve never looked at Tim Curry the same way again. This one looks like it is going to be much more true to the source material and people that I trust have said that it is terrifying in all the right ways. So, lets band together my Loser’s Club and we’ll get rid of our coulrophobia once and for all.

Mother! – 9/15

A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.

Man it’s fun to just say the name of this film with that exclamation point, but we haven’t been given much to go on with this one and I for one am totally fine with that. The trailer is frenetic and creepy and with a cast featuring Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, and Michelle Pfeiffer I have no doubt that the performances will be superb. Jennifer Lawrence said that she hyperventilated and dislocated a rib during filming so it’s going to be a wild ride. If you weren’t aware, this is coming from Darren Aronofsky, the same guy that gave us Black Swan and Requiem for a Dream. He is an amazing director and I’m ready to see what this is all about.

Flatliners – 9/29

Five medical students, obsessed by the mystery of what lies beyond the confines of life, embark on a daring and dangerous experiment: by stopping their hearts for short periods of time, each triggers a near-death experience – giving them a firsthand account of the afterlife. But as their experiments become increasingly dangerous, they are each haunted by the sins of their pasts, brought on by the paranormal consequences of trespassing to the other side.

I know what you’re thinking, “Another remake of a 90’s Horror property?” Yep, but don’t count this one out yet. That first movie with Kevin Bacon, Keifer Sutherland, Julia Roberts, Oliver Platt, and Billy Baldwin is surprisingly good and I think this one has a chance as well. Ellen Page leads this cast with Diego Luna and Nina Dobrev, even Keifer Sutherland comes back for the fun. Hopefully the nostalgia gets people into the theaters and the story will take them the rest of the way. If it doesn’t, then maybe there are just some lines we’re not meant to cross.

October

Happy Death Day – 10/13

A college student (Jessica Rothe) relives the day of her murder with both its unexceptional details and terrifying end until she discovers her killer’s identity.

Imagine Groundhog Day with every day ending in your murder. It’s an interesting twist on this familiar plot device. It will be interesting to see it utilized for terrifying effects. There is no big name attached so it could either be a surprising hit or a big flop. I hope it’s good. The trailer looks solid.

The Snowman – 10/20

When an elite crime squad’s lead detective (Michael Fassbender) investigates the disappearance of a victim on the first snow of winter, he fears an elusive serial killer may be active again. With the help of a brilliant recruit (Rebecca Ferguson), the cop must connect decades-old cold cases to the brutal new one if he hopes to outwit this unthinkable evil before the next snowfall.

Based on the international best selling novel of the same name from Norwegian author Jo Nesbo, Michael Fassbender plays Harry Hole (what a horrible name for a character). I don’t know if they have struck the right tone in the trailer. It almost looks like a dark comedy with the childish drawings of snowmen. It has to be better than the only other snowman based horror film I can think of: Jack Frost. It’s rare to see the Fassbender in anything awful (except Assassin’s Creed).

November

The Killing of a Sacred Deer – 11/3

Steven, a charismatic surgeon, is forced to make an unthinkable sacrifice after his life starts to fall apart, when the behavior of a teenage boy he has taken under his wing turns sinister.

Yorgos Lanthimos is an enigmatic director who doesn’t like clean common sense plots. You might have heard of a couple of his previous films, Dogtooth and The Lobster. They are both very dark, very strange and full of a twisted masochistic humor. Lanthimos reunites with Colin Farrell who starred in The Lobster and adds Nicole Kidman and Alicia Silverstone as well as a crop of young actors with few roles under their belts. It appears to be his most accessible film to date. That doesn’t mean that he is adopting a standard narrative style. That’s not what this Greek director does. This will be a crippling psychological thriller that will not give us any clear answers and will stick with us for days.

December

Polaroid – 12/1

High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the mysterious Polaroid vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.

This doesn’t look very impressive to me, but it is the only horror movie coming in the traditionally quiet month of December. It looks like a knock off of the Ring and Final Destination films.  With no a list star to get people into the theater and such competition from other films this one probably won’t do anything, but even if it only makes 20 million it will still be profitable and we might even see a sequel in coming years. That is the way horror franchises get started.

Others to Watch:

Friend Request coming on September 22nd. When a college student unfriends a mysterious girl online, she finds herself fighting a demonic presence that wants to make her lonely by killing her closest friends.

Til Death Do Us Part coming on September 29th. Michael and Madison Roland had planned to spend the rest of their lives together, until one day Michael’s controlling ways turned their perfect marriage. With the help of her best friend, Madison decides to get away. After adopting a new identity, she meets Alex Stone (Taye Diggs) and learns to love again. All is well, until Michael discovers Madison’s whereabouts, and recreates the nightmare she once lived all over again.

Leatherface coming on October 20th. A teenage Leatherface escapes from a mental hospital with three other inmates, kidnapping a young nurse and taking her on a road trip from hell while being pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge. It’s the Leatherface origin story we never knew we needed.

Jigsaw coming on October 27th. Bodies are turning up around the city, each having met a uniquely gruesome demise. As the investigation proceeds, evidence points to one man: John Kramer. But how can this be? The man known as Jigsaw has been dead for over a decade. The week after we get Leatherface’s origin story, we get a deeper dive into the Jigsaw killer from Saw. Two fictional serial killers that we don’t need to see any more.

Are you looking forward to any of these films? Which one would you go to if you were trying to sneak an arm around the girl you liked? Coming up next, we’ll take a look at the Comedy/Family movies coming this fall.

Click here for the other installments of the 2017 Fall Movie Preview:

2010s, Action, Adventure, Article, Coming Soon, Lists

Fall 2017 Movie Preview: Action/Adventure

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It’s that time of the year again when the leaves start to change color. Well, not for me. I live in Florida. For me, fall means that most of those big summer tent-pole blockbusters are reaching the end of their runs and we are getting closer to the crop of movies that traditionally fares better in the awards. This is my favorite season for movies. We generally get more dramas with impressive acting and striking cinematography. Not saying we don’t get awards movies during the rest of the year (Wind River is out right now and I think it is going to make a run). But, with so many movies preparing to hit theaters it can be overwhelming and I don’t want you to miss anything.

I’ve taken a look at all of the films coming before the end of the year and have divided them into 4 major categories: Action/Adventure, Drama, Comedy/Family, and Horror/Thriller. Not everything fits perfectly into these categories but it works to try to divide this up into manageable chunks.

First, I want to look at the larger releases which tend to be more action/adventure and sci-fi films. I’ll pick one or two from each month between now and 2018. Please let me know which film will have your butt in the theater with a bucket of popcorn in hand? I’ll tackle the other three categories in my next posts.

September

Kingsmen: Golden Circle – September 22nd

When their headquarters are destroyed and the world is held hostage, the Kingsman’s journey leads them to the discovery of an allied spy organization in the US. These two elite secret organizations must band together to defeat a common enemy.

So, if you liked the first one from 2014, you will probably like this one. The same cast returns (Taron Edgerton, Mark Strong, and even Colin Firth) plus they’re adding some new American blood in the form of Jeff Bridges and Channing Tatum. It looks to be a lot of fun. Director Matthew Vaughn is back for this sequel and I think it could be the highest grossing film of the month if the reviews are favorable.

October

Blade Runner 2049 – October 6th

Thirty years after the events of the first film, a new blade runner, LAPD Officer K (Ryan Gosling), unearths a long-buried secret that has the potential to plunge what’s left of society into chaos. K’s discovery leads him on a quest to find Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), a former LAPD blade runner who has been missing for 30 years.

I’m super excited for this one! I love the first Blade Runner from Ridley Scott. I’m frankly happy that Scott is not returning to direct the sequel because his track record has not been the greatest lately and I’m stoked that Denis Villeneuve is at the helm. His previous films Sicario and Arrival were some of my favorites of their respective years and with Ryan Gosling in the lead and Harrison Ford returning to reboot yet another of his franchises I will be in the front row to see what gorgeous sci-fi adventure they have in store.

 

November

Thor: Ragnarok – November 3rd

Thor is imprisoned on the other side of the universe without his mighty hammer and finds himself in a race against time to get back to Asgard to stop Ragnarok — the destruction of his homeworld and the end of Asgardian civilization — at the hands of an all-powerful new threat, the ruthless Hela. But first he must survive a deadly gladiatorial contest that pits him against his former ally and fellow Avenger — the Incredible Hulk!

If you don’t know about this one, I think you’ve been hiding under a rock. I’m very excited to essentially see a buddy cop movie with two of the most powerful creatures in we universe, Thor and Hulk. They were curiously absent from Captain America: Civil War and now we get to find out what they’ve been up to. It’s being helmed by Taika Waititi (What We do in the Shadows and Hunt for the Wilderpeople). I’m excited to see how he brings his own brand of awkward comedy to play. But, that first trailer with Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song still has me pumped. This this my most anticipated personally.

Justice League – November 17th

Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists the help of his newfound ally, Diana Prince, to face an even greater enemy. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to find and recruit a team of metahumans to stand against this newly awakened threat. But despite the formation of this unprecedented league of heroes—Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and The Flash—it may already be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.

I was so happy to see D.C. have some success with Wonder Woman. I really hope that we get more of that quality of film and that we stay clear of Suicide Squad or Batman vs. Superman style that audiences are tired of seeing from D.C. I’m excited to see Ezra Miller’s take on the Flash and we can’t forget Jason Momoa’s Fish Whisperer. It will be interesting to see the team dynamics. This one will certainly make the most at the box office for the month as die hard D.C. fans have been panting for this movie that way that I was for the Avengers. It should be very exciting and I hope it does well. Which are you more excited about Thor: Ragnarok or Justice League?

December

Star Wars: The Last Jedi – December 15th

Having taken her first steps into a larger world in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015), Rey continues her epic journey with Finn, Poe and Luke Skywalker in the next chapter of the saga.

For Star Wars fans there is nothing better to find underneath the Christmas tree than a great new installment in the ever expanding Star Wars Universe. We keep getting little hints from the promotional information, but I’m actively trying to avoid most of it. I hope that we rejoin Luke and Rey on that island immediately after the opening crawl and we get the answers to some of the questions we’ve all been asking. Who is the last Jedi? Who are Rey’s parents? Why has Luke been in hiding? I don’t think this will have quite as large of an opening as the Force Awakens just because that was the first after 30 years of silence, but regardless, there will be piles of geeks lining up for this one and I will be one of them. How about you?

Others to watch for:

American Assassin coming September 15. Twenty three-year-old Mitch (Dylan O’Brien) lost his parents to a tragic car accident at the age of fourteen, and his girlfriend to a terrorist attack just as they were engaged. Seeking revenge, he is enlisted by CIA Deputy Director Irene Kennedy as a black ops recruit. Kennedy then assigns Cold War veteran Stan Hurley (Michael Keaton) to train Mitch. Together they investigate a wave of apparently random attacks on military and civilian targets. The discovery of a pattern in the violence leads them to a joint mission to stop a mysterious operative intent on starting a world war in the Middle East.

American Made coming September 29. Doug Liman (Bourne Trilogy and Edge of Tomorrow) directs Tom Cruise who stars as a pilot who lands work for the CIA and becomes a drug runner in the south during the 1980s.

The Foreigner coming on October 13th. Director Martin Campbell (Casino Royale and Mask of Zorro) presents the story of humble London businessman Quan (Jackie Chan), whose long-buried past erupts in a revenge-fueled vendetta when the only person left for him to love – his teenage daughter – is taken from him in a senseless act of politically-motivated terrorism. In his relentless search for the identity of the terrorists, Quan is forced into a cat- and-mouse conflict with a British government official (Pierce Brosnan), whose own past may hold clues to the identities of the elusive killers.

Geostorm coming on October 20th. I’m really not sure what to make of this… It looks like it could be similar to 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow. We’re all in deep trouble after our weather tech starts malfunctioning and we need Gerard Butler to save the day. Ed Harris is in it so I’m going to guess right now that he’s the bad guy kind of like in The Rock. It will most likely fade into obscurity, but you never know with this kind of movie.

Thank You for Your Service coming on October 27th (Just in time for Veterans Day). This film follows a group of U.S. soldiers returning from Iraq who struggle to integrate back into family and civilian life, while living with the memory of a war that threatens to destroy them long after they’ve left the battlefield. Starring an ensemble cast led by Miles Teller, the drama is based on the bestselling book by Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter and author David Finkel. Jason Hall, who wrote the screenplay of American Sniper, makes his directorial debut and also serves as its screenwriter.

Death Wish coming on November 22nd. A remake of the original Taken franchise. We see a mild-mannered father (Bruce Willis) transformed into a killing machine after his family is torn apart by a violent act. I’m afraid we are all a bit too tired of this type of film where the washed up old guy goes out and kicks butt. However, you should never count out Bruce Willis. I’m afraid it will be lost in theaters since it is coming out the week after Justice League.

So, what’s on your radar? Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments below. Check out the other sections of this preview below:

Video Essay

David Fincher – Invisible Details

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When you look at the picture above, do you think computer enhanced visual effects? Probably not. But it is. That is a screenshot from David Fincher’s Zodiac. KaptainKristian goes in depth in the video essay below about how David Fincher’s films are filled with invisible effects that enrich the film without distracting.

If you like this type of video, I would encourage you to follow KaptainKristian on YouTube and potentially support him on Patreon. He posts some great content.

2010s, Action, Adventure, Alien/Monster, Comedy, Coming Soon, Musical, Science Fiction, Space, Superhero, Weekend Outlook, white-collar

Weekend Outlook – Pirates of the Baywatch: Guardians of the Covenant

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Happy Memorial Day weekend everybody! So after you get done with your barbecue (which is really just burgers and hotdogs, or maybe brats if you’re fancy), then what are you going to do?

Maybe you’ll go shopping. I hear there are some good deals meant to lure you away from the simplicity of always paying less for things by shopping online. Perhaps you are thinking about visiting a theme park, but that’s expensive and you run the risk of dehydration. I guess you could watch any of the mediocre sporting events which will be on all weekend, you’ve got the Indy 500, the NBA conference finals, a whole bunch of baseball, or the carbonated poison water 600. But those all sound long, boring, and better watched in short clips on YouTube as a last resort of entertainment.

Why not hang out at the multiplex and catch up on those early Summer blockbusters that you have missed because you have been so busy catching up on your assignments from procrastination class or cramming for that test that you no longer remember because of sleep deprivation? It has been a relatively slow start to the summer movie season, but this long weekend should be the perfect time to catch that movie that has been calling you. We’ve got 3 sequels and an R-rated comedy TV adaptation to examine so buckle up!

If you haven’t already seen Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, you might be a Mennonite (Note to self: find Mennonite comedian and pitch the idea of stealing Jeff Foxworthy’s signature bit). It has only been out since Cinco de Mayo and it has already made close to 3 quarters of a billion dollars worldwide! Guardians is a ton of fun and it is fairly kid friendly, so as long as your kid can dress themselves and no longer needs a high chair, they should be up for this adventure.

The premise is simple. We rejoin our lovable gang of space anti-heroes a little while after the first film ends (If you haven’t first Guardians of the Galaxy, then you should probably buy it on iTunes and catch up with the rest of civilization). Star Lord has daddy issues that he needs to work out and they do it in hilarious fashion. This is has more laughs per minute than the first film with more of the same character driven drama and amazing 80’s soundtrack. (I’m serious about the soundtrack! I literally just Googled “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass. It will be stuck in your head for the rest of the week, just be prepared.) I’ll be honest, if you haven’t seen this one, and maybe even if you have, it is your best bet. The rest are likely going to be hit or miss.

I just saw Alien: Covenant last night and it was very good, but it kind of felt like it was struggling with what kind of movie it wanted to be. But what should we expect from the 3rd film from Ridley Scott in this franchise which he helped reboot back in 2012 with the prequel Prometheus. Covenant rides the line between the heady philosophical ramblings of Prometheus and the crap your pants scariness of Alien.

If Guardians was safe for kids that can ride a roller coaster then this one is only safe if you can drive a car (manual transmissions only, none of that wussy automatic garbage). I’m serious, there is blood everywhere in this, aliens bursting out of all kinds of cavities and orifices, not to mention the synthetic on synthetic porn that almost happens. I could hear the Fassboners rising in the theater. If you’re a fan of Ridley Scott and the franchise you won’t be disappointed, but it’s not his best work. I’m seriously hoping that Blade Runner 2049 is better.

I’ll be quite honest, the only thing that get’s me excited about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (Longest movie name since Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood) is the inclusion of Javier Bardem as the baddie. If you’ve seen Skyfall or No Country for Old Men you know that he can be extremely creepy and intimidating, and that’s before he’s been all zombified. Even though it looks creepy, this is Disney we are talking about and I’m sure if your emo kids are into pirates then they would be okay going to this one too.

I know that this is a total cash grab on Disney’s part. They want to revive the franchise that has brought in $3.7 billion since 2003. I get it, but even Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley were smart enough to get out after three films and here Johnny Depp is riding into his fifth. He is simply the worst pirate that I’ve ever heard of, but I have heard of him so I’ll be checking this one out on Saturday, so stay tuned for my thoughts.

Finally, we have the R-rated 90’s TV adaptation that literally no one has ever been clamoring for. Baywatch hits theaters this weekend and I can only hope that they at least got Hasselhoff for a cameo, I mean he’s in Guardians so it’s not like he wasn’t available for filming. If they missed out on the Hoff, at least they have the ghost of Pam Anderson’s boobs, a.k.a. Alexandra Daddario. It looks like they are trying to go down the comedy parody road with this one and that would be great. But they have had me worried in a couple of trailers that they might try and take this straight, and if it takes itself too seriously it will be garbage.

The critical consensus is already that it is garbage (18% on Rotten Tomatoes), but I’m hoping that this could at least be as good as Central Intelligence. I’ve never been much of a fan of Zac Ephron, but I’m willing to give him a shot. This one is for adults only, the red band trailers have been bad enough that I had to watch them after my kids went to bed. I’ll be seeing this one next Wednesday so you’ll have to wait a little bit longer for my full review.

The most important thing is for you to enjoy this weekend and remember those brave men and women who died so we can eat lots of expensive buttery popcorn and be entertained by the beautiful monkeys we pay to entertain us. Have a great weekend!

 

 

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."